“Sex sex sex is that all you ever think about?” My roommates high pitch laughter brings my mind back to the here and now.
“What? Just because I’d like to leave my teeth marks in the pizza guys ass doesn’t mean I am having sex.”
“No Brogan it doesn’t but you should be your mind is always in the gutter. ”
This is true, I can’t deny my thoughts had moved from his ass to his anatomy in the front. Damn it. Cadence knows me too well. We became immediate friends our first day of college. Eight years later, she’s the only person, outside my brother Zade, I trust. I would give my life for either one of them.
“Cady don’t you have anything better to do than harass me about my sex life?”
“Ha!” a snort of laughter escapes her lips. “Admittedly, you have no sex life Brogan, that’s why we are sitting at home on a Saturday night eating pizza and watching a chick flick. Besides, I felt the need to protect the pizza boys ass from your teeth.”
“I love you dearly Cady, but why are you spending a Saturday night with me rather than with your hot to trot boy toy?”
“Brogan!” she yells in an irritated tone. “He’s my finance not just some boy toy! I swear sometimes I don’t get you. What is it with you and your lack of belief in love. You are gorgeous, smart, funny, have a great job, mad skills, much less a body to die for. Everywhere we go men drool all over you and you could care less.”
“Cady men only love what they see, they dont see the real me. You know my shit Cady. You know all my secrets. If you were a guy once you got past my looks you would run too.”
“Yes Brogan, I know your shit and I love you anyway, probably because of your shit and who I know you are, just as anyone would if you would give them more than a minute.
“Love is not for me or anything I ever want. I am glad you have Jon and that you will have your happily ever after. That is what you want and need Cady, not me. My only love comes from a pair of double a batteries.” Cady spews coke across the room. I love embarrassing her, she’s just so innocent when it comes to sex. Her sex life with Jon is plain old vanilla. Her cell phone rings and she’s running off to her room giggling like a young girl in love.
My favorite movie The Notebook is on, but I’m not hearing any of it. I am lost in my own dark thoughts. Chills run down my spine and I am suddenly cold and I shudder at old ghosts.
Cady and I graduated with are Bachelors in Nursing at 22. I continued on to be a Nurse PR actioner. At 27, we have both found jobs that we love. Cady works at a local hospital as a critical care nurse. I work in a Plastic Surgeons office three days a week in a nearby town. We live in a small cottage on the bayside of the island of Redington off of Florida. It’s a very small town, one way in and one way out other than boat, which is my preferred way to travel. My first purchase when I moved here was a 26ft Regal with a cabin. I would live on it, but Cady would call me a hermit and invade my small space. Cady and Jon are getting married at the beginning of next summer and moving to Jacksonville were Jon is Interning to be a Cardiologist. I will probably live on my boat at that time, but for now, I’m enjoying the roominess of our cottage.
Cady cries every time she thinks about leaving me and begs me to go with them. I am happy here. It’s peaceful. I have no fears, no worries and I plan on keeping it that way. I will desperately miss her, but I will let her go.
The credits are now rolling, it’s late. I peek in on Cady and she is curled up sound asleep. I slip into my favorite sleeping shirt and swallow an Ambien. Every night I tell myself this will be the last night I take one, but then a wave of terror runs through me and I willing gulp it down. Thank god the effects kick in quickly, I hate being alone in the dark.
I wake up with a jolt, the clock reads 3:21a.m. I am soaking wet from head to toe. My only solace, thanks to my sleeping pill, is that I don’t remember my nightmares. But I know there are demons behind my eyelids and I shiver with the knowledge that I know what they are really about and from where they come.
I go ahead and get up. I know there will be no more sleep. I quietly slip-on my running clothes and shoes, careful to not wake Cady. I grab my phone and earbuds, slip out the door and crank up Cruise by Florida George Line, the remix version with Nelly.
One good thing about a small town is the safety you feel and running this time of morning is beautiful. I run until I’m exhausted. I always stop on the beach until the sun is up. I breathe in the fresh air, it is so cathartic. Life has never been so simple and I cherish it because I know one day everything will catch up with me and it will all fall apart.
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